Stop the World – I Want to Get Off

I’ve had enough. I really have. The world seems to be on a downward dash to destruction and/or insanity.  From falling sperm counts, acid attacks and pay rows to Trump, May and the ongoing Brexit saga.

But what has really got my goat in the last week or so is pubic hair.  Or, rather, the lack of it. I’m old enough that I don’t care what my noo-noo looks like. I was brought up in the ’70s and 80s when women were real women and men were turned on by women who looked like they still had their pants on when naked.

A friend of mine recently bought a collection of ’70s Mayfair magazines from eBay so this is no false recollection on my part. We enjoyed a trip down memory lane (which, coincidently, is where we used to find jazz mags in those days; tossed into hedgerows and verges, sad and rain-soaked, their pages stuck together) looking at some of the most hirsute ladies one could imagine, posing in a variety of the usual soft-porn settings – hay bales, satin covered sofas, wild meadows etc. Obviously, these magazines are sexist and degrading to women, but I kinda think they should be introduced into sex education at school. Not only to see what pubic hair is supposed to look like but also to see women who haven’t had any breast augmentation, liposuction, trout pouts, botox, fake tans or eyebrow enhancement. It would be a huge eye-opener to boys being brought up on a diet of Love Island, Pornhub and Naked Attraction.

For those of you lucky enough not to have caught Naked Attraction, it’s like Blind Date, except that the choice of date is based solely on the size and shape of contestants’ penis/vulva/arse/stomach/breasts/nose/teeth, as their naked body is revealed from the feet up.

I watched an episode (ok, two…) on my sister’s recommendation. The most shocking thing about it – except how amazingly dull it actually is – is that there was not a single pube to be seen. And that included the men. Are we really raising an entire generation who believe that pubic hair needs to be removed and that it’s sexually appealing to look like a prepubescent child?  And don’t even get me started on the tattoos.  Or scribbles, as I prefer to call them.  Why is every participant on Naked Attraction covered in tattoos??  I really don’t mind the odd classy, beautifully done tattoo.  It’s just that I haven’t seen any.

The lack of pubic hair doesn’t trigger* me so much but it makes me salty** on behalf of my teenage daughters, who are being brainwashed into believing that natural lady parts aren’t supposed to be hairy.

It actually gets worse. The Perfect V is a company whose Range of beauty products is designed to keep your ‘V’ in shape, and make you feel good all over – whether you want to bare it all, or lose your underwear anywhere, anytime, Fifth Avenue or Strøget.

Yep. They’re talking about a range of products designed for your tuppence. Not just one product. Ooooh, no. Eight products ranging from an exfoliator and gentle wash to beauty sheets, serum, mist and ‘luminzer’. Yes, you read that right. A highlighter for your fanny.

And the cost of these ‘V’ vitals? A mere $300.  $300!!!

So, now not only do young women need to feel insecure about their figure, face, skin and hair, they also need to worry that their foo-foos are ugly.  But don’t worry, because Perfect V offers you the stylish, branded solution to your defective twinkle.  Their marketing is pretty slick with an aspirational video of a beautiful, stylish Scandi woman emerging from her morning dip in the ocean, wrapping herself in a cashmere cardi before heading home to eat berries and rub cream into her bits.  (Or eat cream and rub berries into her bits, it wasn’t quite clear.)

The Perfect V™ product line is for anytime or après any kind of hair-removal and always for beauty’s sake. It is pure, indulgent pampering*** and love for your “V.” It is a multi-tasking luxury skincare formulated to rejuvenate, enhance and beautify the “V.”

Sadly, I’m sure enough women will worry that their fanjos aren’t up to scratch and will be convinced to buy this tosh.  Which (disappointingly) has been invented by two women, who no doubt don’t care that they’re bringing a new insecurity to women and girls, as long as they’re raking in the cash.

Mind you, having watched Naked Attraction, I’m sure that products for men to pamper their John Thomas’ will be right behind: The Perfect P, anyone?

Right, time to get off, this is my stop.

*Teen slang. It means you’re getting cross

**This one means you are now angry.

***Nothing to do with beauty products is ever ‘pampering’.  It’s just bloody hard work.