- Refuse to let them through the front door until their bags have been searched for Bird’s Custard, Patak’s Curry Paste and trashy magazines
- Exhaust them by visiting every single tourist sight – insisting that walking between each one is the only way to get to know the real Rome
- Forbid anyone from ordering coffee at the tourist traps on the piazzas but take them to grubby locals’ bars where you can get a cappuccino for 90 cents
- Ensure they eat so much pizza each day that they will never visit Pizza Express again
- Stock up on copious amounts of prosecco, wine and beer so they spend the week in a blissful haze
- Force-feed them plates of lovingly prepared (i.e. stick it all on a plate) antipasti so they go home telling everyone what a fabulous cook you are
- Make so many comments about visitors who expect to be waited on hand and food, that they leap to their feet to get the washing-up done the second a meal is finished.
- Remind them at least once an hour not to step in dog poo (on the streets, not in the apartment…although, having said that, they did have to watch out for Beyoncé Bunny poo in the living room)
- Run compulsory Scrabble and Rummikub championships every night – ‘you will have fun, whether you like it or not‘…
- Be considerate enough to wait until they set off for the airport before you collapse with flu
(Only joking…)
BARBED WORDS 